"All life", said Anais Nin, "is a process of becoming." So, although some events in your life will be painful, you have the ability to take control of your life and to learn from the difficulties you encounter.

Using the "stop watch" method, you have the opportunity to freeze a brief and discrete painful event and turn it into a powerful and detoxifying learning experience. At any moment you can ask yourself the following questions about your experience: (1) What am I doing/what is happening? (2) What am I feeling? (3) What body sensations am I feeling? (4) What am I thinking? (5) What am I learning?

Here is how to use this model for learning in your life:

First, as soon after the painful incident as possible, go to a place where you have 100% privacy. At work that may mean leaving the office to take a break or going into a restroom. Write down the details of your experience. The following is an example of how this might look in a work situation.

1. What Happened: You just asked your supervisor for advice regarding difficulty you have been having meeting deadlines during the last month. You also informed your supervisor about the steps you have taken to resolve this problem.
2. Feelings: At the beginning of the conversation, you felt a little anxious because your supervisor is sometimes unpredictable and unsupportive. As the conversation unfolded, you felt criticized for not fixing the problem on your own. Also, you were worrying that you would not get a positive review and raise when your annual performance evaluation occurs in three months.
3. Body Sensations: A "body scan" (a mental check for physical sensations) reveals that you were sweating slightly and your stomach and shoulders were feeling tight and tense.
4. Self-Talk and Self-Critical Thoughts: Though you were intensely engaged in the conversation, you started to feel that you were incompetent and a poor time manager. You think you were talking too fast and getting defensive when your supervisor started to criticize you.
5. What Did You Learn About Supervisor, Self, and Organization: Soon thereafter or at least before you go to sleep, talk about your experience with a significant other, friend, or colleague you trust completely, and whose perspective you value on this type of situation. When you are ready, say, "Here is what I have learned about (1) Supervisor: I learned again that my supervisor’s reactions rarely should be taken personally or seriously because it reflects her state of mind rather than my performance. (2) Self: Next time (this phrase is nonjudgmental and looks to the future) I will talk more slowly, visualize the conversation beforehand, bring a few notes so I can be more relaxed and present, and remind myself about the strengths and foibles of my supervisor. (3) Organization: Usually, I enjoy working here and I like my colleagues very much. I am passionate about the organization’s mission. Finally, while I would prefer a more sensitive and appreciative supervisor, that is not likely to happen in the short run, so I need to get better at working with her".

By following this process, you can increase your awareness of any moment in your life, be it at work or in a disagreement in your living room with a close friend or partner. As Emily Dickinson wrote, "It is the flight that clarifies the sight."

updated 08/02/01