The holiday season is upon us. We are bombarded with messages of family togetherness and joy. There are many reasons, however, why some of us are not able to feel completely "in the holiday spirit". Historically, at this time of year, the E.A.P. has written a newsletter about holiday stress. The other day, however, I was talking with a friend about his impending Thanksgiving. I asked him if he would be traveling to see family. He said he would, but looked downcast. "I’m not really looking forward to it," he said. "Last year at this time we lost my cousin. This is our first thanksgiving without him. We’re going to my aunt and uncle’s house, his parents. Only, my uncle won’t be there. He’s in intensive care. He’s been in intensive care for months…so, anyway, I just don’t know how it’s going to be." It was hard to find the right words of comfort and empathy. After all, how would it be? Well, it probably would be sad.

Grief and sadness can seem especially intense at holiday time. Our culture creates and reinforces the message that this is a time of year when you are supposed to be happy. If you aren’t happy and enjoying the presence of your loving, intact, supportive family, there is something wrong with you. The media suggests that, in fact, everyone else is having a perfect holiday.

Each family holiday is actually an anniversary of all previous family holiday gatherings, and a reenactment of a family ritual. As such, it is automatically compared to those other celebrations. Because of the nature of winter holidays, we often involuntarily compare them to those we recall from childhood. Changes in the family are highlighted by the continuity of family traditions. That is, if the family has been touched by illness, death, divorce, or other significant losses it is felt more at a time when other things are intentionally kept the same, year after year. For instance, in the case of my friend who was having Thanksgiving at the house of his aunt and uncle, perhaps his uncle had always carved the turkey. And perhaps his cousin had always said the blessing before the meal. This year, as other people filled in those roles at the celebration, what would be foremost in the minds of many guests was the absence of these two people.

Another friend told me this story after she had recently gotten divorced from her husband. She reminded me that the divorce had been her idea, and that the main emotion she was aware of feeling afterward was relief. Everything had felt fine to her until several months after the break-up, when it was time to decorate the Christmas tree. She got out the box of ornaments, and began to place them, one by one, on the tree. She was surprised to discover, as she handled each ornament, that it brought back a memory. Many of the memories were of the times in her marriage when things had been good. She found this disturbing, and was trying not to think about these good times. In addition, decorating the Christmas tree was one of the few activities she and her husband had always managed to do harmoniously. Her young daughter watched from the floor as she climbed the ladder to attempt to secure the highest ornaments. Standing on the ladder, reaching forward toward the top of the tree, she found that she could not quite reach the furthest branches. Her husband had always done this part of the job. Suddenly, overwhelmed by frustration and despair, she burst into tears. This, she told me, had been shocking and upsetting to her. Did it mean her decision had been a mistake? Was it because it was Christmas? What was going on?

What can we do when grief and sadness become part of our holidays? The first thing we can do is to try to allow ourselves to feel these feelings, without fighting them, judging ourselves, or trying to suppress them.

When there has been a change or a loss, acceptance of the painful, confusing feelings is part of the natural grieving process. Allow yourself to talk about your feelings, especially with others who may share them, or people in your life who are supportive, and good listeners. You may discover that sharing your feelings with other helps them to talk about their own similar experience, and is comforting to you both.

When old rituals have become painful due to loss or change, creating new rituals can provide a way to re-experience the joy of the holiday. What in your life now is meaningful, important, and worth honoring and celebrating? Find a ritual that expresses your appreciation for what you have, and introduce it to your family or the people with whom you share holidays. What do you have for which you are thankful? Think of the intangibles: health, friends, memories, faith, joy. Imagine a ritual that would feel comfortable to you. You can gather with friends or family and each light a candle for the thing for which you were most thankful this year. You can take a moment of silence, before a holiday meal, to remember those who are no longer with you. Find a child or children who are important in your life and do a holiday project with them. Help them create an ornament that expresses their greatest wish for the coming year. In times of loss, the company of children can help us regain our sense of hope for the future. Choose a charity whose mission inspires you, and make a group donation with family or friends. You can donate in someone’s memory if you wish. Any ritual which has meaning for you can become a new tradition. Allow yourself to feel grateful for what is yours. Express your appreciation and gratitude to those you love. Embrace a new millennium.

Peace, and warm holiday greetings to you and your family from all of us at the E.A.P.

updated 08/02/01